Unexpected “Benefits”

Description for visually impaired readers: Bottom right concrete blocks, some sand towards the left, then a band of white waves and sea and light blue sky above.

I still feel that “hole” that the end of “Love Is In Da Blog” has left.

Not having to come up with a prompt for the blog hop is on the one hand liberating but I miss the structure somehow. It has never been a problem for me to find things to write about. It has always rather been a question of time to do so.

Right now though writing or  more blogging seems to move a little to the background. Since 20 years, I want to write a fantasy novel and this year I have started to do it really. Well, “Love Is In Da Blog” ripped a hole in my writing schedule, but it was worth it.

My prompts also unwillingly have brought up issues in my life that I realise have not been resolved. Or I have changed so much that I need to have a new look at it. Issues surrounding my family and my past.

My mother passed away when I was 12 and on the day of my funeral ….. ah well, hello Mr Freud… her funeral I totally broke down. My grandparents took me back home, and I remember lying on the mattress that was in place of her bed (it was one supplied by the hospital to help her care) and crying my heart out. That was the first time when I really considered killing myself.

You cannot imagine the upheaval in my emotions. I have no idea how I managed to survive that day. But I have. But the cost was the memories of the previous 12 years. Thinking about it now I already had suppressed a lot of those 12 years. It’s been nagging me for decades now that I have no idea what happened before my mother passed away. Most people tell me (including my therapists) that there is a reason I can’t, and I have always agreed.

But since a few weeks I realise that something is opening inside of me and that I have to prepare myself for memories coming back. That’s why my focus goes to self-care and letting go of “responsibilities” that I have given myself but which can wait awhile to be taken up again.

I feel anxious about of course, and a lot of energy goes into keeping the anxiety in check but I do not feel overwhelmed which is a huge difference in previous times when I was in this situation. I have no idea where this journey is leading me. But I feel it will be beneficial, even though, tough.

I might give you a few glimpses of that journey. For now I feel this has to be a private thing that I need to figure out in my journal and not on my blogs. I also feel that I need a balance in my life which means rather to write and post about something light. However, knowing myself and knowing my previous processes that might change all the time.

So please bear with me if my blogs will be a little quiet. I am off on a expedition, and there might not be a lot of time or possibility for communication :-).

You out there take good care of yourselves!

8 thoughts on “Unexpected “Benefits”

  1. Good luck Bee, I hope you achieve what you want.
    It is interesting that today I proof read a funeral service for a friend who is a funeral celebrant. It was a commemoration service for a man who died 30 years ago. His son was a small boy when his dad died and decided to conduct the service to say thanks to his father for being his dad and that he missed him still these 30 years past.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I still miss my mother too even though it is a difficult missing: If she would still be alive I would ask her if she knew about the abuse and what she had done against it. And I am not sure I want to know the answers 🙂


  2. *hugs* It’s not an easy thing to face past memories but I believe once you do, you can more easily accept them. Just remember to love yourself through the process; but everything I know about you says you will. Take care! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. It doesn’t feel like a crises this time. Rather that I can keep control and figure out the questions I still have. Thank you so much for your offer. I will come back to it :-). You are so kind!

      Liked by 1 person

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