It’s strange that I still seem to struggle with the same problems.
You might see it in my latest Mindful Monday posts that not all is well in Bee land. Not quite sure how to put it. Not quite sure what it is. I manage work a lot better than before, I write the things I want to write, I play and draw and be with my wonderful family, and still, there is this nagging feeling inside of me. Something is not quite right.
A little panic-attack here and there. Well, not really a panic attack but that feeling I get just before I get one. I breathe deep and tell myself all the positive affirmations that get me through, and it does, but I can’t figure out why I have them. Usually, after a while, I can figure out why I feel the way I feel. Lately, I can’t, though. It is unsettling. It is scary.
But I suspect being mindful means to accept this part of myself as well. To accept that I went through a lot, and it’s consequences do not just vanish because I meditate, be mindful and write morning pages. They are part of me. They come and go. And as I wrote a few weeks ago: Sometimes you just have to let everything, even the things you love to do, go and experience the full force of it.
I know now they won’t last forever. I know there’ll be better times. And even though I would love to live without it, it’s part of me, and I better find a way to enjoy that part too. Being mindful does not mean to be happy all the time. Being mindful means to be aware of the cycles of life which go up and down but maybe also up in a spiral.
This post takes part in Colleens wonderful Mindful Monday!