In a weeks time, I am supposed to be back at work. I wish I would not have to. Not quite sure yet what to do about it. Well, what adjustments I need. But I have some support from the Union so I am not as wound up about it than I thought I would be. But maybe that will come stealthily over the next couple of days. It usually does.

Secretly I was hoping for a miracle. Some rainbow with a pot of gold at the end or the husband winning the lottery. We are not playing anymore so that’s not working. Neither privately nor publicly. I fear I am going to fall back into the old “security” of “Better the devil you know!”.

Was pondering to covertly apply while being off sick, but that’s not who I am. I do things the right way no matter what. Probably a result of being abused and being told that it was my fault. I also always get caught. So I am going back and start applying like a maniac. I need to get out of there.

I am saying that for about 5 or 6 years. Every time I have a breakdown. Then I go back and it feels safe because I know the place and no matter how much I suffer there I also have allies who help a lot. I feel bad to let them down. But its a business. I am there to do my job not to develop lifelong connections that can’t be broken.

Well, I better let Mindfulness take over. Explore my anxiety and reluctance to actually really leave the place and then let it go. And let my fears about going back go too. Just get on with it and surreptitiously allow happiness in…

This post is in answer of “What if we all cared?’s” “#whatif prompt for 16.3.18”

“Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.” – Farrah Gray

resource: Metro

Thesaurus.com says about surreptitiously

covertly, secretly, stealthily, privately