It has been a long time since I have done a “proper” personal blog post. Yes, I have shared some of my self-care explorations with the Music Monday Care & Love posts but otherwise, I have kept it quiet.
It just didn’t feel right to write too much about what was going on. Well, I did not really know what was going on, to be honest. I just allowed myself to go for the ride and see where it leads me.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote a guest post for Carol Ann’s insightful blog “Therapy Bits” about my suspicion that I might be living with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). If you have followed my old blogs you know about my poetry series “My Lost Souls” where I explored this suspicion poetically.
However, I still don’t have a diagnosis and it doesn’t look like I am getting one anytime soon. I feel let down by the system. Maybe I should be fighting for one but I have no idea where to start. And to be honest I have trouble to trust any state organisation to give me what I need. Not a good place to be.
In the meantime, I have come to the conclusion that there is some sort of identity issue going on and that I need to work with what I have: different streams of consciousness who want different things in life.
I assume my inability to stick with one blog and one career or even develop a vision of where I want to go comes down to these different streams of consciousness. There is much that doesn’t add up. A proper diagnosis would help so much.
But I am determined to build a life that brings all these different bits together. I owe this to my 12-year-old self who decided to live instead of dying. I owe it to all the parts inside of me who are keeping me safe and working in this society. I owe it to myself.
My days are now filled with spiritual practice, walking the dog, caring for my family, looking for a job and creating mugs, photos and poetry. There are some ideas for books as well and currently, I am working on a homepage to bring all these parts together.
My social media fills up with advertising for great blogs and authors and positive quotes. I want to spread some light and positivity. There is enough chaos in the world. Someone needs to keep the light spreading.
And I listen to myself. To these different streams of consciousness to see what they need. Some are tired of protecting. Some are curious to experience life outside. Some are still so, so, so angry. They need a place to leave their rage. And there is one prominent part that tries to take over. To end it all. I assume she is the original one. I assume I dissociated very, very early. Maybe even before I was able to speak and that dark part harbours a lot of our power. But also the memory of what made us dissociate.
There seems to be an incident very early in my life that changed everything. The points that changed me later in life and that I am aware of have been worked on in therapy. But there are earlier incidents that are hidden from me and I dread what that might be. If my system split so thoroughly and keeps much of the first 12 years of my life from me then I assume something rather horrible happened.
I had a couple of job interviews and many applications but nothing came from it. So again I work with what I have: My mug shop on Teespring, selling photo’s on Dreamstime and now an offer of writing poetry for you on Fiverr. Teaching English with established organisations proved to be rather difficult as they prefer native speakers. So I will develop my own teaching blog and so to speak freelance. Many projects. But all possibilities to earn a living if I manage to bring them together. I believe for the first time I can stick with this.
Yes, many possibilities but I have come to the conclusion that all of them only work if I can overcome my low self-esteem and the core belief that nothing I do works out. That is what I mainly work on with self-help books and the self-care exploration at Music Monday Care & Love.
I am sorry my dear blogging friends if I am not able to come around and read your posts as often as I want to. But its a lot going on here. A lot to produce and to organise if I want to be able to earn something again. The banks and other creditors are bothering me and I have zero income at the moment. My husband works 7 days a week to keep us going and it’s just enough to keep the roof over our head and to feed us.
We manage but I would rather pay my stuff off and contribute to our family income. It bothers me a lot that I can’t. It doesn’t look like I can get help from the state either. I need to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau really to find out if there is a possibility but I dread to go to just find out that this is a dead end too. Brexit and Austerity Britain isn’t a place for people who need help. And going back to Germany wouldn’t make a difference either. I am out of the social system in Germany so I wouldn’t get help there either.
Help is another issue. I am not good at accepting help. Asking for help. But I certainly need tons of it. That’s another lesson to learn and I am looking for the textbook for it ;-).
All in all, I keep the hope up. Motivate and encourage the husband and myself. It can’t always stay like this. Not with all that we do to get by. Life just doesn’t work like this. I suspect life is just trying to find out if I really want this life of working for myself and being an entrepreneur of some sort.
You could say that leaving my job was the wrong decision. But it does not feel like it. Despite all the challenges I am facing I feel that I am on the right path. That if I stick with my projects and believe in myself and accept help where I find it I will push through. That that better life I was heading for when I left the supermarket in spring is just waiting around the corner.
The only way is up I guess at this point in time.
Have you been at rock bottom but knew you are on the right path? How did you master your challenges? I would love to hear from you.