Christmas is often a time when survivors of childhood abuse (in any form) struggle a lot. The image many have about child abuse is that a stranger jumps out of the bush to kidnap or attack a child. The sad truth is that it mostly happens within close or broader family and friends circles. Christmas is so hyped up with happy families and living in peace that survivors of abuse get triggered a lot. In 2015 I was still working through my traumas, and I now believe I also have started menopause which was not detected. I am reposting these posts because some of it is coming back b because stuff has triggered memories that I hoped were healed. I guess if you have experienced violence at such an early age, that will never entirely go away. It’s not as bad as in 2015, but it’s still worrying. I’ll be fine, though.
I must admit that I can’t fully remember the incident the post refers to. I was still working at Morrisons in the hot food department. So maybe it was just memories coming back.
Ok, dear readers, good news. I am coming down a little after my latest out-of-control experience. After walking for nearly two hours, I realised that I could not have done anything to prevent it and that I would have needed help from those around me (day job) who could not give it to me. In the aftermath, I have done everything I could in my out-of-mind way to change things, and once I am ready to go back, I will have to educate a few people about mental health and what it means to be a survivor of abuse in a flashback situation.
I’m still not ok. Not really. But I do everything I can, from taking medication to using tools like breathing exercises to walking it all off. I am scared like hell that this episode has ruined my future and that I have given my husband more than he can bear, but I think that might be the negative thinking of depression.
I am angry, guys and gals. I am angry that I had to fall back into behaviour I thought I had left behind and that I could stay in control. Turns out there are situations where I can’t. No clear trigger has revealed itself, which makes it all more complicated. I am angry that the people around me didn’t know enough to protect me from myself, and I am mad that I fell back into victim mode. I am better than that. It feels like I lost two years of hard healing work and that I am being punished for a crime that was done to me thirty years ago that I cannot get justice for.
I grab the little gratitude I can manage right now: my husband is brilliant! Without him, I would be really lost, and he certainly does what Jess Glynne sings about in “Take me home!”. A song which regularly makes me cry. I hope your life is more cheerful than mine. And I hope I am taking the lessons seriously that life has thrown at me:
Stop being a victim!
It is not your fault!
Educate people about mental health and being a survivor of childhood abuse!
Please stay safe, stay kind and remember: there is help out there:
Ireland: One in Four
Canada: Supporting Survivors
South Africa: Shukumisa