Re-Blog: A survivors note (Attention might trigger)

Christmas is often a time when survivors of childhood abuse (in any form) struggle a lot. The image many have about child abuse is that a stranger jumps out of the bush to kidnap or attack a child. The sad truth is that it mostly happens within close or broader family and friends circles. Christmas is so hyped up with happy families and living in peace that survivors of abuse get triggered a lot. In 2015 I was still working through my traumas, and I now believe I also have started menopause which was not detected. I am reposting these posts because some of it is coming back b because stuff has triggered memories that I hoped were healed. I guess if you have experienced violence at such an early age, that will never entirely go away. It’s not as bad as in 2015, but it’s still worrying. I’ll be fine, though.

I must admit that I can’t fully remember the incident the post refers to. I was still working at Morrisons in the hot food department. So maybe it was just memories coming back.

November 2015

Ok, dear readers, good news. I am coming down a little after my latest out-of-control experience. After walking for nearly two hours, I realised that I could not have done anything to prevent it and that I would have needed help from those around me (day job) who could not give it to me. In the aftermath, I have done everything I could in my out-of-mind way to change things, and once I am ready to go back, I will have to educate a few people about mental health and what it means to be a survivor of abuse in a flashback situation.

I’m still not ok. Not really. But I do everything I can, from taking medication to using tools like breathing exercises to walking it all off. I am scared like hell that this episode has ruined my future and that I have given my husband more than he can bear, but I think that might be the negative thinking of depression.

I am angry, guys and gals. I am angry that I had to fall back into behaviour I thought I had left behind and that I could stay in control. Turns out there are situations where I can’t. No clear trigger has revealed itself, which makes it all more complicated. I am angry that the people around me didn’t know enough to protect me from myself, and I am mad that I fell back into victim mode. I am better than that. It feels like I lost two years of hard healing work and that I am being punished for a crime that was done to me thirty years ago that I cannot get justice for.

I grab the little gratitude I can manage right now: my husband is brilliant! Without him, I would be really lost, and he certainly does what Jess Glynne sings about in “Take me home!”. A song which regularly makes me cry. I hope your life is more cheerful than mine. And I hope I am taking the lessons seriously that life has thrown at me:

Stop being a victim!
It is not your fault!
Educate people about mental health and being a survivor of childhood abuse!

video credit: CPTSD Foundation via YouTube. Please give a like, and even a follow.

Please stay safe, stay kind and remember: there is help out there:

UK: Trauma Recovery Network

Ireland: One in Four


Canada: Supporting Survivors

South Africa: Shukumisa


India: Aasra

International: ASCA

Online communities for Survivors

9 thoughts on “Re-Blog: A survivors note (Attention might trigger)

  1. That would be awful to have to be upset at work. I think I worry about how I look to others at times. I think other people may not think so much of it, not as much as we do. Maybe at some point you could talk about it to one of your coworkers if you feel comfortable with them. Just to get some feedback if nothing else. I would hope they would be caring about you and that would make you feel better. Sorry you are going through a rough time.


  2. It was awful Deborah. My flashback came out of the blue and I could not understand it neither could I communicate what I needed. None of superiors understood the severity of it. It is just one great big co.. up. One thing I have learned though is that I need to educate people once I am better about what it means to have a mental health problem and that it is serious. Very serious. And it does not mean I am healed when I have a good phase and say “Oh I dealt well with this or that!” I think I had to learn that too.Thanks so much for your support!


  3. I believe you to be a very brave and stalwart person, to keep on keeping on. Also to have focus and perception as to what is taking place.
    Memories can be dangerous things and specific bad ones never go away, they can lie fallow for years, and as you experienced explode, sometimes by the most innocuous of triggers too.
    Nothing ever goes away. Not the pain, the shock, and the rest. The achievement is to keep on keeping on and to be repairing and guarding against Corrosion of the Spirit, Will and Perception.
    Best wishes to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your kind words. You are absolutely right. Trauma never really leaves. You just decide at one point if you want it to have power over you or you have power over it. I am lucky that I am much more stable now and flashbacks are rare. But here and there are difficult points in time when I have to be careful with myself. I hope you have a bearable time in this crazy month ๐Ÿค—

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad to read your strength and insight are working against these flashbacks.
        Wishing you all the very best.

        As regards this season being in our 70s, and by good fortune not currently pressed by the woes many other folk are suffering, we just ‘poddle’ along. Although there are the logistics of getting and sending ‘stuff’ to a scattered family who are all working up until Christmas eve (and in one case possibly Christmas day) ๐Ÿ™ƒ.

        We hope you have an enjoyable ‘festive’๐Ÿ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      2. So I have heard from my daughter who works in HMV, and is now a deputy manager at a small store of theirs.
        Some years back as a special favour she was allowed to leave 30 mins early on Christmas Eve to catch the train down to our other daughter’s home to share Christmas (that was the time when trains ran, sort of on time and cancellation were rare)
        When did senior management decide Christmas Music had to be played? I pitied the staff of one store, the year it started in late September!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I was working in store when the first “Mamma Mia” film came out. They literally played it all day long. Now, I love ABBA but that was even too much for me. Christmas songs I managed to bear. What I could not bear was customers complaining we were closed on Boxing Day. I hope your daughter won’t have too many obnoxious customers. 30 min early? Wow, they are sooooo generous ๐Ÿ˜˜

        Liked by 1 person

      4. When , my daughter was starting out and I heard some of her ‘war stories’ I advised her that a lot of folk as individuals were not so bad, but The Public as a whole: that was another problem.
        She’ s retail hardened now.
        Thank for you wishes.
        How is this for insensitivity, or lack of perception.
        I worked in a Job Centre, and somewhere along the way someone decided ‘Music’ playing in the background would be a good idea…..In a Job Centre? Debatable……
        But wait there is worse to come……
        Come December they put on ‘The Christmas Music’. So imagine a Job Centre, folk looking for work, folk beaten down, folk worrying about money and what do they hear in the background…’Simply having a wonderful Christmas Time’.๐Ÿ˜ฃ
        Didn’t do much for the staff either.

        Liked by 1 person

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