Re-blog: Another survivors note (attention: might trigger)

For nearly two years now I have not had a fully blown flashback-anxiety-depression attack. Anxiety creeps up every now and then, I have days when it is hard to get out of bed but nothing anywhere close to how bad it was in 2015. It is hard to read how I felt then. I remember well. Maybe these days in 2015 were the beginning of a profound change.

December 2015

Two weeks lost to anxiety, flashback and my past. Today is the first day that I feel a little like myself again.

Had a conversation with an advisor on mental health who told me I am doing everything right. Sometimes situations just get out of hand if people act without knowledge and compassion but it will pass.I am so exhausted from this two-week long fight to get myself back to normal but still can’t sleep properly. Ordered tea and essential oils that help calm me down. I want to write that I don’t want all that, but I suspect I am through with blaming myself. I did what I could. It is not my fault that my brain works how it works. I never asked for it.

Where do I go from here? I don’t know. It feels like a major change has happened in myself and a new phase starts. I have to develop new, more adequate behaviours concerning responsibility: not to blame myself automatically but to see if it just happened or who is really responsible. And most of all to believe in my truth.

That is major. That is a major step for a survivor. For now I just rest. I’ve lost so much energy to protecting myself and not losing it all. So I listen to little Bea and give her what she needs. But I also listen to my anger and rage and take them seriously. Both show me where my boundaries are. And protecting them is important.